only happy when it rains ((one-shot))

It was the middle of the night, and James constantly tossed and turned in his slumber. He had adjusted so well to the extra privacy in Louis' dorm that being back in his assigned bed was a shock to the system. Whenever he closed his eyes, there'd be images of him and Lien lying in each other's arms in domestic bliss. Even when he was more affectionate with Atticus, he wasn't completely present. Their times together, though brief, were very fun, but the euphoria only lasted so long. He was using the hedonistic sexcapades to fill a void. In hindsight, there was the chance Atticus might've slept with him as it was James Sirius Potter at his most vulnerable. It was nauseating.

At first, pissing off Alayna in such a way was exhilarating. The time he spent reflecting after they slept together only made him realize one thing: he made a huge mistake. He was not being the bigger person when that rat Ptolemy was a greater threat. So much of his time and energy was wasted on getting off to feel something positive outside of Lien's company. All that time should've been used to make things right with Evelyn.

All those flings were fleeting. Their child would be forever. He needed to prove that he's dedicated to wanting to raise their sprog. He needed to prove that he did want to be a father. James never considered being in such a position in the past, but it being thrust upon him led to plenty of pondering since he and Professor Riddle had that talk. He wanted to be a father.

Getting up from bed, James rubbed his eyes and made his way to the dormitory bathrooms. He might as well take a shower instead of spending the entire night staring at the ceiling. James went to the shower stall furthest from the door and proceeded to strip before stepping in and turning on the hot water. At least this would help him relax for better rest…

He stood under the faucet allowing the water to pour down his body. He wiggled his toes as he grabbed one of the natural shampoos to wash his hair with. It didn't take long for his brain to wander and remind him of the conversation he had with Lukas in the greenhouses.

Lukas was right.

He was building a wedge between the twins all because he was bored, vulnerable, and his folks wanted revenge. He wanted something real. He wanted something serious. How was he supposed to be an engaged, supportive father if he was shagging any decently attractive bloke who tickled the part of him desiring validation? How was he supposed to be a good father if he let blokes in just because they touched him the right way?

James rinsed his hair before glancing down at the drain. He wanted someone dependable. He wanted someone caring. He wanted someone he could trust with the sprog. He doubted he'd be able to find any of those at Hogwarts. They were all busy trying to find out how they ranked in the school hierarchy and other issues that actually didn't matter. Being a gay teenaged father was unheard of too, and he doubted any of the gay blokes around his age were willing to settle down so young.

There were a lot he was having revelations about since the start of term. Learning wasn't bad, he just loathed the way it's typically done. Bottling emotions and lying to yourself never does anything good to the soul. Escaping to be the personality everyone expected wasn't sustainable. He needed to become more responsible.

He wanted to be taken seriously.

James began lathering his body as he enjoyed how cleansing the shower felt; he needed this. It probably wasn't going to do a whole lot to get him through the next school day, but at least it was soothing.

He was tired of Hogwarts. Did he always feel welcome or was he lying to himself then too? The parties were fun, but there was always a part of him that was disturbed by the superficiality of it all. It was arduous to build meaningful connections in a dog-eat-dog environment. The moment he began forming one outside of his family, the facade of orderly chaos and fun backfired. He had to actually confront everything he thought he knew about himself and the world he lived in.

He wasn't very fun sober.

Once he rinsed his body, he shut off the faucet and wrapped a towel around his waist before looking at himself in the mirror. He needed change. James felt the length of his hair and thought about how much it and the sweat irritated his neck while mid-air. It was suffocating. Grabbing some scissors, he snipped off a small amount of one strand. That wasn't enough. James chopped and snipped away until he was satisfied with how it appeared; it was still longish compared to most blokes in the school, but it felt nice. He felt liberated having his hair shorter again.

It was time to grow up and learn to be an adult.

He slipped back into bed once he dried off and put his pajamas back on. His mouth turned slightly upward thinking about the kind of life he desired once the sprog was born.