kuff dam ((atticus))

Over the weeks, a part of James had always wondered if seeing Atticus was the right thing to do; of course, he ignored those thoughts as he enjoyed somebody wanting to nurture him in a way everyone else in his circle wasn't. There were frequent occurrences of post-nut clarity, and he was never actually able to envision himself sleeping with Atticus, but he had to ride out the high he got from being petty towards Alayna. It'd become one of his goals to piss her off to display that he was in an excellent position since the aftermath of the dance.

He wasn't.

Jerome forcing him to get detoxed at the threat of receiving detention forced him to confront his second thoughts about the entire arrangement. As he figured he'd never be able to get with Lien, due to him being 100% heterosexual, he needed to focus on someone else. If he was lucky, those feelings for Lien would began to fade.

They didn't.

Before entering the kitchens, James forced down a potion to curb withdrawal symptoms; magic made this a LOT easier to deal with. If he was smart, he would've stolen a couple of those potions in those first few days of hiding. Oh well.

He had to stop avoiding difficult situations. How was he supposed to be a good father if he couldn't help his kid work through them? He'd never forgotten Atticus' comment about him being a loser for wanting to be actively present in his child's life. It was like the entire school wanted him to be a deadbeat.

It hurt.

He walked inside and tried to smile at Atticus. "Hey," James greeted softly.

@Atticus Nott

Atticus was busy cleaning after the mess he'd made with cooking, but now something was slow roasting and he was quite proud of what he'd achieved. He hoped James liked it. If he didn't, he'd be surprised.

Now there was the dilemma of whether to have sex before or after the meal. Hmm... perhaps both, knowing what he was like when it came to his kinks.

It was strange how little he'd thought of Alayna since arguing with her and having this sexual relationship with James. Atticus had even started to ignore her messages, although there was part of him that knew it was wrong. She was his sister, and she was trying to talk to him about everything. He just wanted to avoid her. He wanted to be wrapped up in this good little fantasy of his, where no one was shouting, or accusing him of being a bad brother, or like his own Father...

When James turned up, Atticus turned to him with a big, broad smile. But it soon faded. He saw the look on his face, the strained way he seemed to smile. Atticus sighed. "What has she done now?" he asked, believing it was probably Alayna again.

@James Potter

"Nothing, other than exist."

He wore his heart on his sleeve, didn't he? Before the dance, James had an easier time faking constant happiness that it was almost a second nature to him. Somehow, that skill became near-eradicated over the past month. It was strange. Was this a part of growing up? If so, it would've been nice if somebody told him that.

James went over to the table and sat down. Did he want to go straight to the point or have a bit of small talk before talking about their relationship? He couldn't understand why their peers thought they were boyfriends when all they did was sleep together; if they were actually dating, surely there'd be some actual romance and courtship involved? Maybe that was much to ask for as he was a tad unfamiliar with the gay dating world.

"What are you making?"

He needed to think before talking.

@Atticus Nott

"Oh, right..."

Uh-oh. This wasn't going to be as simple as he thought. James looked tired and like he didn't want to have sex, so Atticus was already beginning to feel as though he wouldn't get any. Perhaps he could try sparking it up again?

"I'm making a roast chicken, with all the trimmings. The leftovers I was going to make into a stew for you, for before a workout session."

He caught his chin and lifted his head up to face him. Grinning, he went to kiss him.

"You're looking so good, James. I love how you've filled out. It's so sexy..."

@James Potter

James struggled to back away from the kiss. He needed to be straightforward. Taking a deep breath, he didn't respond to Atticus' attempts to butter him up. He wanted to be liked for who he was, not for the size of his arse.

"Do you ever think of anything other than feeding me and squeezing my arse?"

That came out of his mouth before he could be slightly more tactful, but he was always fairly blunt. Maybe bluntness was what he needed for this.

@Atticus Nott

Atticus was surprised when James moved away from him, out of his reach. He blinked a few times in surprise. This was something new that he never expected from James: he actually sounded like he was angry.

"No... that's not it," he insisted, but wondered whether that was actually true. Of course he cared about him and thought about him a lot, but was that all just surrounding the sexual nature of their relationship? "I thought you enjoy what we do?"

Had he changed his mind about it? Atticus supposed he could be a bit intense about it at times, but only because he'd never met anyone with the same interests.

@James Potter

"I do. Well, I did."

Agh, this was so difficult! James was never known for being logical in his interactions; he was driven by emotions, and this was no exception. He ran both of his hands through his hair as he felt both of his palms beginning to sweat.

This was nerve-wracking.

"How would you define our relationship?"

@Atticus Nott

"Oh..."

Well, his luck had to run out at some point. He just didn't think James would want to be in a romantic relationship with him, and perhaps Atticus couldn't see them being in one without him wanting to have sex at every opportunity. They'd probably go out on a date, and he'd immediately get turned on about something. Just seeing his arse in his trousers, probably.

"I don't know... I thought we were just having fun together, you know? Do we really have to start slapping labels on things?"

He thought for a bit.

"Are you seeing anyone else? I just kind of assumed you were..."

@James Potter

It was officially verbalized now: it was all about sex. It was all about getting off. It was all about who knows what. Whatever it was, both parties weren't envisioning or looking for the same things. James didn't want to deal with Alayna more than he was required to, and he was bound to get bored of the same old routine in the bedroom. He also felt it wouldn't be a sustainable lifestyle for multiple reasons.

"I was hooking up with Cepheus, but it was only to let off steam."

Last time they slept together, he almost moaned Lien's name. That would've been embarrassing.

"Are you?"

James glanced at Atticus then down at the table wondering what he'd reply.

"It's just that the rest of the school are dubbing us as boyfriends, and I guess I needed to know what both of us were thinking..."

@Atticus Nott

"Cepheus?"

His throat suddenly turned dry. A feeling tore away at his insides that wasn't all too familiar, but he supposed it was jealousy. But what did he expect? James was just roaming, looking for someone to fulfil his needs. He just didn't think it would be Cepheus. Atticus thought of his cruel, beautiful eyes in the height of pleasure that James was giving him...

"No, I haven't been with anyone else."

He looked at James rather harshly.

"Do you honestly want us to be boyfriends? Because I don't think you do. When this started, I said that I didn't mind you imagining I was Lien. Are you saying that you no longer think of him, and your feelings have shifted to me now? I just find that hard to believe."

@James Potter

"No, I don't want to be your boyfriend."

Even if all of his yearning for Lien disappeared all of a sudden, it wouldn't erase being called a loser. That stayed with him. That constantly haunted him after having a release. It followed him every day.

"I only fucked you because I was bored and vulnerable! I also wanted to piss Alayna off, but that satisfaction was temporary!"

He felt a pulsing near his temples wishing he had been more honest to himself sooner. Detoxing made him think a lot, and he couldn't stand it. James loathed being scrutinized at every move. His vices helped to dull it.

"I'm still going to become a father, Atticus. The sex we were having isn't going to be a good lifestyle with the sprog in the picture! Evelyn still hates me, y'know? I don't want the mother of my child to hate me!"

@Atticus Nott

Atticus narrowed his eyes at him.

"You wanted to piss off Alayna?"

Just having sex due to being bored was one thing, but using it as a means to get to his sister was sort of sick. To a certain extent he was using James as a way of satisfying his lust, but that didn't mean there weren't any feelings in it. He had cared about him. He'd wanted to be there for him.

"I thought for a second there we were just as bad as each other, but fucking me to get to Alayna... and now you say you're bored with that too, now? Like we're both toys or something?! That's completely messed up! You are messed up!"

He laughed dryly.

"And now you're trying to convince me that the reason is because of you becoming a Dad. Oh please."

@James Potter

"My family was out to get revenge when I didn't want them to! Why the fuck wouldn't some of that mindset spread to me after days of social isolation? Don't forget that you initiated it! You were the one who started flirting in the gym! Don't act like I was some conniving predator hunting for his next prey!"

What the hell were people expecting from him? James knew Lien would understand his motivations. They confided to each other about lots of things. He couldn't do that with Atticus. It was enough of a struggle trying to be cordial about Alayna around him.

He could feel a dam of emotions burst through his system as the volume and tone between them escalated. James Sirius Potter fucking everything up as always! He was a tabloid darling before reaching adulthood simply because of being born a Potter. He hated it. He hated Hogwarts. He hated the rumor mill. He found himself hating almost everything that seemed to have a negative effect on him.

"It's partly reason why! If I'm going to be in a relationship, I expect whoever I date to accept the fact that fatherhood is part of my reality. I've never forgotten you calling me a loser for actually trying to plan for my unborn kid's and I's future! Why the fuck does everyone expect me to send it off to the grandparents the moment it's born? I'd probably do better school-wise if I wasn't stuck in an environment where every-fucking-body has an opinion on me breathing!"

@Atticus Nott

"So now it's my fault that it turned into some petty revenge? Bloody typical. You always try to turn everything around, don't you? It's always someone else's fault!"

He was glaring at James, looking angrily between his eyes, and listening to him talk about a conversation they'd had about a month ago. It surprised him that he hadn't forgotten his words, as Atticus had long forgotten about it. He hadn't considered that it had actually hurt him that much.

"I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings then, okay?" Being extraordinarily blunt about things wasn't one of his best attributes. "I just wanted you to think about what you were doing before you made any hasty decisions. All you seem to do is make hasty decisions."

He sighed.

"If you really think it's best for you, I can't stop you. I just didn't want you dropping out of school for the wrong reasons. I thought that you were just still feeling rotten about what happened after the school dance, and wanted a quick solution - an escape. But yeah. If that's still what you think is best, then do what you want. I don't know how it feels to be in your situation."

@James Potter

"I regret it! I bloody regret fucking you for revenge! I fucked you to fill a void. I fucked you to distract myself. I shouldn't have fucked you at all!"

James looked at him almost blankly hearing his apology; why did people find it hard to believe that he had his moments of not being hasty? Usually, some of his exceptionally hasty decisions were provoked by something whether it was internal or external. His face was red from all of the yelling; his appetite wasn't exactly there, but he did have to inflate it with the help of substances.

"I still am rotten about it. Nobody's going to be receiving my forgiveness anytime in the near future."

He prioritized the wrong people, and it was hitting him hard.

@Atticus Nott

Atticus had had enough of him. He didn't feel like he deserved any of this. James was just such a messed up person, he was bitter and resentful, and thought the world revolved around him. Even through all the torment he'd suffered at the hands of his own Father, Atticus didn't nearly resent him as much as James resented people. They could do no right. He just had an ongoing victim complex.

He didn't want to be around him any more.

"Just leave, James. We're done here."

He turned his back to him.

"Stay away from me, and my sister."

@James Potter

James turned away and left without a word. As usual, he ended up pushing people away, but he didn't feel particularly bad about it this time. He needed to put his energy towards the people who will accept him for him. He needed to focus on what actually mattered.

Sighing, he pulled out his crystal and messaged Lien asking if he wanted an impromptu flying lesson on the pitch. Maybe it'd do good to talk with Louis again soon as he seemed to be the best of his relatives to discuss love with.

Relationships were a waste of time.

Hearing that he'd left, Atticus felt a sense of initial relief. He didn't particularly enjoy arguing with anyone, and that had been pretty unpleasant. All sorts of things were running through his head right now, but he knew exactly what he wanted to do. He wanted to talk to Alayna. He would beg for her forgiveness at this point. One sure positive about ending everything with James: he and Alayna could work on repairing their relationship.

He picked up his crystal and went to Alayna's name.

Could you meet me in the kitchens? Please...

Preferably now.

If you're not busy.

@Alayna Nott

Alayna had been sitting in the common room with Pandora and Mackenzie when she received a text from Atticus. She raised an eyebrow and told the girls she had to go be a sister and made her way to the kitchens. She looked at Atticus, a hesitant look on her face and her arms crossed over her chest, "What do you need, Atticus?" They were still on rocky terms due to James. Stupid fucking James. Ruining everything in her life. She didn't know what Atticus saw in him.

@Atticus Nott

It hadn't been a relationship, he thought. He always knew that it wasn't, that they both had ulterior motives, but that didn't erase the fact that they had been extremely intense with one another for a while. No one could get close to someone like that and not feel anything.

He knew he was crying and felt pathetic. What was he crying for? He hadn't loved each other or anything like that. It was just... being needed. He'd liked that.

When the door opened, Atticus turned. His eyes were red and watery still. When he saw her, he only felt himself well up again. "Alayna..." he sniffed, desperately wiping away the tears on his sleeves.

@Alayna Nott

Alayna saw the look on her brothers face and nothing else mattered. Not the anger, the fact she still felt betrayed, none of it. She rushed over to him and took his hands in one of hers and wiping his tears with the other one, "Atti, what happened?" She cupped his cheek and looked into her brothers eyes, "What did he do?" Somehow she knew it had to do with James.

@Atticus Nott

He only cried more when she was cupping his cheek and showing how much she cared. Even after everything he'd done, and she still was there for him. She really was a wonderful sister.

"No - I-I'm being stupid. I'm just being st-stupid. Just ignore me..." He smiled at her, and pulled her close to him. He clung to her. "I'm so sorry about what I did. I love you so much. I was such a bastard to you..."

He wept on her shoulder. There he was, taller and bigger than her, and was sobbing like a child.

@Alayna Nott

"you're emotions do not make you stupid. I don't give a damn what Theodore says." They grew up being told emotions were a weakness. But she never believed that. "I can never ignore you, Atticus. No matter how hard I try." She had tried to ignore him due to who he was screwing, but she always loved her brother. She hugged him back and held him tightly, "I love you too, Atticus. Always. You were kind of a dick. But it's ok. None of that matters" she rubbed his back and tried to soothe him, "Why don't we sit down? I can make us some tea. And you can tell me what happened."

@Atticus Nott

He sniffed, listening to her words of comfort and feeling her stroke him. She didn't think she had much similarity to their Mother, but she did sometimes. Daphne - Mrs Nott - was always so good at comforting them when they were children.

"Okay," he sniffed, finding a tissue. He sat down. "James and I ended things between us..."

He gripped the tissue in his hands after wiping his eyes and nose with it.

"Well, it was more his decision than mine, but it was definitely for the best. I'd... been hiding away with him, escaping reality, ignoring my own sister... it was so unhealthy, I guess part of the reason why I'm crying is because I realise that now. I know that I hurt you. And I really am sorry..."

@Alayna Nott

Alayna tried not to smile when he said that things with him and James were over, but she failed as a tiny smile formed on her lips, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be insensitive. But I really fucking hate him, Atticus. So please forgive me if I'm a bit pleased." She listened as he spoke and nodded, the serious look forming back on her face, "None of that is healthy. Especially ignoring your sister. Not just for you, but for her as well. It was killing me not being able to talk to you." She knew he was sorry. It was all over his face, "You're already forgiven, Atticus. That's not even a question."

@Atticus Nott