all the things he said ((lien))

James Sirius Potter never cries. James Sirius Potter is cool, collected, and laid-back. James Sirius Potter is always cheerful and ready to conquer anything. But James? Well...

His eyes were puffy, red as his cheeks were stained with tears. He'd feel like a fool or embarrassed or anything of that sort if he cried in front of anybody. But with Lien, it was different. It felt natural to go to his shoulder to cry. It felt fine to show this side to him. It felt comfortable. Lien seemed to know just how to ground him even if it was awkward on his end. Once they were out of the room, James immediately took him to the secret passageway that led to Honeyduke's; he needed to regain his composure first before doing or saying anything else.

Taking a deep breath, James leaned against the tunnel's wall until his legs collapsed into a barely-steady squat. He pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes and rubbed. For once, he didn't feel the temptation to smoke. Lien's presence was enough of a destressor.

"Sorry for getting your shoulder wet..."

@Lien Chang

This small, dusty, long pathway narrowed out until they were practically scuffling along on hands and knees, and Lien was behind him. He was still feeling quite bewildered by the sudden emotion James had displayed, as he was sure he hadn't been tearful in the past. Anything that he wanted though, Lien felt as though he should go along with it. If his friend was crying, he should be breaking fifty school rules and scrabble along on his knees.

"Don't worry about it," he said gently, trying to look beyond James for a light at the end. "Is it much further do you think?" This was an uncomfortable place to be really talking.

As he said it though, he thought he saw some sort of light bursting through a trap door ahead. "There, up ahead!" He pointed, but realised from his position behind it wasn't much use, "I hope it isn't locked..."

@James Potter

He was relieved that it was Lien he ended up crying to and not one of his many relatives. Louis would've just said pleasantries that didn't help much and everyone else had their own methods which didn't necessarily involve listening. If they did listen, they always tried to find some way to get him back to the James they're used to dealing with.

James looked up towards the trap door as he continued to wipe any bit of moisture off his face with his sleeves. That'd do for now. Biting his lip, he shrugged. "Eh, nothing a good old alohomora can't do if it is."

Guess they were going to go up and enter Honeyduke's. "We're gonna be in the cellar, so we'll be surrounded by boxes and stuff like that...." He chuckled as he stood up as far as he could and held onto Lien's arm for balance.

"Yeah, so I was crying and shit 'cause I ain't ready to parent or anything, and I feel bloody trapped at Hogwarts. Fucking jaded, y'know? I probably would've already dropped out if..."

Was this weird to admit?

"Well, I didn't drop out 'cause I like hanging with ya."

@Lien Chang

They both wobbled as they tried to stand: the passageway was widening out to allow both of them to be at full height, but their heads were dangerously close to the top. Lien held onto James as well as they wavered, then he released him once they were steady.

He looked at him as he explained why he was overwhelmed, and Lien couldn't say that he blamed him. But then he ended with something so unexpected, but so obviously honest that he didn't know what to make of it. It was flattering, he supposed. But why did flattery make his heart drum inside of his ears, and render him speechless?

"I'm sure that if we hadn't been friends, I'd still be forcing myself to study every minute of every day. So, you know, I value our friendship too..."

But when I imagine Hogwarts without you.

"Do you still really want to leave?"

My life will go back to the way it was.

"I... I don't know..."

And it hurts to think of the loneliness...

"Sometimes I wish I could do the same..."

I don't want him to leave.

"But I can't..."

@James Potter

His eyes twinkled as a lone tear began generating; guess he didn't get all of it out. At least this time he could try and pin any wateriness on dust. Yeah, it was definitely the dust. Thinking about leaving Lien to the wolves of Hogwarts pained him; he'd been going back and forth about whether he'd drop out prior to the kid being born.

Instinctively, James held onto one of Lien's hands and attempted to give him a reassuring smile. "I-I just think that maybe if I wasn't at Hogwarts anymore, I'd be able to figure some shit out, y'know? 'Cause of all those years I spent trying to play to everyone's expectations, I hardly know a damn thing 'bout myself."

Where was he going to go with this? His thumb lightly caressed Lien's palm; the contrast was quite noticeable.

"Why can't ya? You're an adult, you don't have to bow to anybody anymore, y'know?"

Although there wasn't a great amount of lighting, James was in awe seeing how the smallest slithers of lights highlighted Lien's face, body, well everything. He looked as if he was sculpted from marble. He was beautiful.

@Lien Chang

Lien wasn't completely naive to realise this has entered a different sort of territory. James had gripped his hand like you would with a woman, and Lien was gazing up at him feeling just as vulnerable as one. It was a strange mix of feelings. While there was a small part of him that internally cringed at the idea of being like this with another boy, the other part of him wanted to feel reassured and in safe hands, like someone was really just listening to him for the first time in his life.

So although his body went quite rigid, he wasn't pulling away. He felt his face suddenly turn hot when he stroked his hand though. This was definitely not something a friend would so.

James still thought of him as more than a friend. It hit him very suddenly. With his cheeks flaring heat he could no longer stand looking into his eyes, so they turned away.

Finally, when he could no longer bear the thundering feeling inside his chest or the confusion from something so intimate, he gently pulled his hand from his clutches. He put both of them behind his back.

"I can't," he repeated, in a quiet murmur.

"B-but I erm--" This was so painfully awkward, confusing, bewildering, his mind was ten times behind but his body was roaring. His heart was pounding. His mouth was bone dry. "I know you're miserable here. So I can't stop you."

He could feel the pressure of James's eyes like they were a thousand. He was very aware of them being entirely alone. He wasn't sure if he was nervous, or writhing in anticipation.

@James Potter

Although he knew very well what to expect in more heterosexual pairings, James was extraordinarily oblivious as to how it'd translate in other men. He just assumed that maybe, just maybe, the topic or idea of dropping out was sore for Lien. James frowned slightly unsure of how to deal with the tense, awkwardness of the situation. He needed to be logical for once. He needed to act with his brain.

James couldn't just ask if he's ready to go up the trapdoor; that'd be too callous. He didn't want to do that either. Licking his lips, he glanced away and scratched his neck.

It probably would've been less awkward to go skinny dipping in the lake in the middle of the night.

"Er..."

The more primitive side of him wanted to take advantage of the environmental closeness. Get even closer. Skin on skin. Hand on hand. Leg on leg. Instead, he asked, "Wanna go up into the cellar?"

Go figure.

@Lien Chang

"Yeah, okay," he said quickly, looking upwards and immediately headed to the ladder.

There was a lot racing through his mind as he grabbed onto the rungs and securely placed his foot onto the first. He'd always known James was gay, and it had never bothered him. It wasn't bothering him now. Lien was just very aware of how he was feeling, and why it could be something more than just missing a friend. James seemed to feel similarly, although he was probably more certain about what it meant to feel that way.

Reaching the top, he found a handle and pulled at it. The door swung back on a hinge, and fixed there next to the rope ladder. The scent of chocolate instantly filled his nostrils. Climbing through completely, he found himself in the cellar as James described - surrounded by stacks of boxes.

Seeing James through as well, he sat on a box that was sturdy enough to take his weight, and looked at him.

"Do you have a plan of what you're going to do, if you leave?" he asked quietly.

@James Potter

James followed Lien up into the cellar trying to act as normally as possible. This felt like the Astronomy Tower, the piano, everything. It was different and more intense although he tried to skirt around it mentally. Was Lien actually straight..?

Once in the cellar, James closed up the trap door and sat adjacent to Lien. The smell of chocolates weren't helping. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath trying to ignore the yearning, the urging, the longing.

"Gonna find a place of my own as soon as I'm able to. Sorta tired of relying on a house elf when I could do all that shit myself, y'know?" he stated before getting up to dig through the nearby crate. "Shit's making me hungry... Er, want some of these," James squinted at the label. "Peppermint Swizzles?"

He grabbed enough for the two of them anyway before continuing on. "Thinking of buying a Sleakeazy share so it's back within the Potter name. I dunno."

He'd like to make sure Lien, the kid, and himself would be able to live comfortably and have a good amount leftover for anything considered leisurely. But no, James was NOT falling for him.

@Lien Chang

Lien shook his head to politely refuse the pilfered sweets. He was feeling quite the opposite: his stomach felt as though it was full of knots. James sitting closely to him wasn't helping. There was a familiar scent he caught from him: masculine but fresh.

"I suppose it's completely doable for you," He wondered if he could get things by name alone, never mind the comfortable fortune in his vault. "Would you live in Hogsmeade? Or would you want to really be as far away from Hogwarts as possible?"

There was a lot of questions he needed answers for, as his feelings of insecurity needed to be reassured. He hoped James would consider being in the village...

@James Potter

"Er, I haven't thought 'bout that..."

There was more he needed to attempt to plan than he realized. James took one of the peppermint sticks and took one huge crunch out of it.

"I know I wanna eventually get a place that's er, I dunno, more private? Just something where, y'know..."

James looked down feeling even more conflicted about when to drop out. He could feel tears start to well around his eyes again. Dammit. "I-I don't want to have you stuck with them, y'know?"

He ran his other hand through his hair down to his neck almost out of habit. Sigh. They both deserved better than Hogwarts.

'They're stacked against us."

@Lien Chang

"Yeah."

His insides sank.

It want to be selfish.

But the tears started again. James was feeling guilty about leaving him to the mercy of his peers, and he felt a sudden leap inside of his chest.

Yes - feel guilty. So you'll stay.

But it was wrong. Why should both of them be miserable?

"I'll be fine... I only have a few months left. Christmas break is just around the corner, then it will probably fly by. I'll just do what I've always done: keep my head down and study. So don't feel like you're leaving me to a pack of hungry wolves, James. Go and do what you need to do."

Why can't I just be selfish with him?

@James Potter

He didn't want to leave Lien by himself. He didn't want him to be stuck at Hogwarts. How was he supposed to get a small amount of sleep at night knowing that it would be more likely for Lien to get attacked by cunt and her lapdog? James slowly chewed on the piece of candy finding it harder and harder to not cry.

Gazing at Lien, he wanted to kiss him. It was hurting so badly to restrain himself. The briskness of the peppermint gave his flesh goosebumps as his mind wandered thinking about all of the possibilities if they didn't have to remain at Hogwarts. If they didn't have to be stuck in that castled hell. He... What was the word for it? What were words?

"You know what Alayna said, Lien! They were going to get back at us as soon as they're able to! How the fuck am I going to waltz around Britain knowing they could take you down at any bloody moment?!"

Was he pleading..? His blood felt warmer. His pulse quickened as his free hand moved closer to Lien's leg.

Being in the cellar just made it worse.

"It doesn't fucking matter how low we keep our heads down when we're walking targets! She's not going to back down, Lien..."

Tears ran down his cheeks before it could register to his brain.

He didn't want to be without Lien.

@Lien Chang

His parents weren't unloving people, but they were always more concerned about his academic progress than his happiness. Lien understood why: they wanted him to have the financial security that they never had, and the only way to do that was by working hard to get a good career. But he realised, as James tearfully expressed his concern for his well-being, he'd never had anyone care quite so much. It was almost the same as a confession of his feelings. It was flooding out from him, quite literally.

Lien felt a surge of emotion from the moment as well.

"I don't want you to go..."

His hands were wringing inside of his lap and he felt the sting around the top of his nose. His voice wasn't as steady as it had been before.

"But I can't leave. I'm not like you: I can't afford to give up on education. It's the only way I'll ever make something of myself. My family have very little to their name, but we've always been self-reliant. I can't just run away from it."

He felt his head resting onto James's shoulder before he properly realised what he was doing. They were perfectly alone. No one was going to judge him for doing it.

@James Potter

"I'm going to at least stay until after the music night..."

But he was going to skip a lot more clasees as he made up his mind. James couldn't mentally afford to spend the rest of term on edge with the knowledge that his vulnerabilities would be used against him; he didn't want to see the gleeful look on cunt's dumb, ugly face whenever he dared to express emotion. Emotions that weren't considered manly. How could he further his little interest in studying when the whole school was watching him? At least it was possible to get a bit more privacy within the greater wizarding world as long as he was smart about it.

James gravitated closer to Lien desiring to feel him, smell him, touch him. He couldn't stand to be sitting there. Taking Lien's hands, he held them once again and lightly squeezed them. Softly, he cooed to reassure him. Everything in the world was okay as long as he was there.

"I-I can take care of you financially... When I get my inheritance or some revenue or whatever from Sleakeazy, I can give your folks enough to not worry for a while..."

I want to provide. I don't want you to worry.

Lien was always so smart, yet their peers never appreciated such a trait unless they could get something from it. There were too many ulterior motives at that school, and James felt regretful to have played such a game in his past, but Hogwarts' social environment gave him little choice.

His head feels nice on my-

He was rendered speechless.

@Lien Chang