random journal entries

Why is it that I seem to bloody like it whenever Chang wants to punish me? I feel bloody compelled to go out of my way and give him a hard time. It's been like this since last term!

A part of him makes me want to twirl? hurl? out of excitement? Excitement's the main word. Something about him is intriguing even if he's a bloody pig. Prefects are Hogwarts' cops. he isn't a pig.

[Random, unintelligible rambling that was partly erased]

I hate him I swear I do.

[Various song lyrics]

How do [unintelligible]

Sometimes when I visit aunt Mione, I just want to run my fingers along the "dark" books in her home library. I don't know why, but I feel so drawn to them. I can't let myself actually look into them. I don't want to upset dad! What if one of them possess me like they did mum?!

My parents are smart and I have to listen to them!

I wish they'd let me get a pet snake. I'm happy with the owl they got me! His name is Leto. I know that's a goddess but I thought he looked like a Leto!

I'm excited to attend Hogwarts. It'll be so much fun! I'm going to make so many friends and be on the quidditch team just like my parents! I'm going to miss Al and Lils while I'm there, but they'll join me soon enough!

I think dad died a little inside when I wrote him about not returning to the team this term. I don't think he'd get it or understand. Mum was more understanding although she was still sad about it. She wants me to do whatever made me happy. I don't know if I could be happy in a changing room full of sweaty blokes around my age all stripping off after a long game or practice on the pitch.

I can't bloody focus in such an environment! My focus is already bad in classes, but I can't have it spread to quidditch knowing that I'm completely surrounded by guys! If the rest of the team was full of girls it wouldn't be an issue!

They won't get it. They never worried about that!

I need to find something to do to fill the time!

Happy bloody Christmas to me. For once, I smoked weed in my room because I wasn't going to bother going outside in the cold just to relax some. I got to get better sleep. Anyway, dad barged in my room after smelling it from the living room or something. Didn't expect it to smell that strong.

He forced the joint out of my hand and started chastising me for it. Shouldn't he be glad I haven't done anything harder? Except for the one bloody time I did shrooms with Vic, but I only did that cause Teddy was also around and they smuggled me into some uni party. It was more fun than the Hogwarts ones.

I tried to tune out what he was saying to me. I tried to avoid looking at him, but I could see the anger and disappointment in his eyes.

It's a look I can never forget.

Bloody miracle that I didn't cry until he left the room.

[unintelligible, partly erased]

I'm not into girls.

I'm bloody not into girls! How the hell did I end up like this? Everyone's begging to know if there's any bird that catches my eye. My teammates ask if there's any broad I snogged or even shagged. What the bloody hell am I supposed to answer them when we banter?

I need to stop looking at their upper arms, those tense muscles after a long practice. I need to stop paying attention to how drenched they are from sweating. Whenever I fap, I try to think of a nice looking girl, but it doesn't satisfy me. Just thinking of another bloke's thing is enough to get me to [unintelligible]

What's wrong with me? Mum would like to see me have a girlfriend so badly, so would dad.

I can't tell anybody about this!

Why does it feel so right, yet feel so wrong? I never realized just how wonderful, just how amazing, enthralling, invigorating, intimate it could be.

It frightens me.

I know I can never have Lien, but now I wonder if I wouldn't be able to have Atticus either.

He's just so caring and kind when he doesn't have to be. I don't know how to deal with it. It's amazing to be so doted on, so cared for, but sometimes I wonder if he's only doing it out of pity or if there's some ulterior motives behind it.

I don't understand how he and that cunt are twins. Theire so different.

She'd never let us happen.

I got my revenge, but was it really revenge?

I'm feeling too much that it's no longer revenge.

It's moving so quickly.

[erased]

Second week of school and I snogged a girl! It felt weird but it was fun! I knew she had lots of it at least. It was after classes and we were both in the corridor. All we did was look at each other and we went right to it!

I think she's going to be my first girlfriend!

I don't know what had gotten into me, but I kissed another bloke. Some random muggle bloke over the Christmas holiday. Nobody found out, but every day and every night I've been thinking about it. It was nothing like when I kissed a bird for the first time. It was so much better than that.

I had the greatest pain in my stomach before it happened. At first I thought I was sick but it was just nerves. It was exhilarating. I can still taste his lips.

Its weird as I thought I was into girls like most guys are. I already had a few girlfriends who were all really into me but I couldn't list what I liked about them. I can just place their names to a face.

[erased]